"Amonias and the Vapirs of Gilneas" by Drodal

I shall tell you a tale.
A tale of woe and sorrow and the mystical word we mere mortals only know as 'lulz'.

The Location: Gilneas City.
Enter Amonias, an elderly Sin'dorei rumoured to be a Cultist in passing whispers. He enters the Cathedral, hoping to meet with a phantom Forsaken which is his excuse for coming to this wretched place when all of a sudden the eerie quiet of the former Worgen controlled city is broken with a mysterious yell.

"anyone who opposes us her will wish theyd never been made as a sperm in their dads testicle"

Amonias leans over, perhaps in laughter, perhaps due to his age, and prepares to continue his venture into the Cathedral when he is met by a figure. A ghastly phantom of a man whose name he had only heard of in passing mention: Kelthilitholotholothlas The Vapir Lord!!
Indeed, the Vapirs had come to haunt Gilneas.
Not acknowledging his aged visitor for a moment, Kele passes through his skin as if it were 'warter', leaving Amonias in the company of the most terrifying group of people he had ever encountered: The Brotherhood of Darkness!

"halt" says his guest, who Amonias, due to his age, has forgotten the name of, "wat are you doing here?"

"I am here for a most important meeting with a Forsaken, yes," replied Amonias, his facial features shrouded by a heavy wooden mask.
It was at this point that ten demons emerge behind Amonias and attempt to hold him down!
But demons are no match for the power of ignoring them completely and brave Amonias continues with his tale, "Have you seen any Forsaken in this area young man?" he asks.

"Theres no forsaken her. only us" says the shrouded figure, pointing out once again that there are ten demons stood behind him.

It is in vain, Amonias becomes insistent, "Of course you would say that my lad, yes! You have not seen any Forsaken personally so you assume there aren't any! Now please, would any of your guards have seen my accomplice?'

'follo' is the curt reply and off with a run the Vapir goes. For some reason, running in a Cathedral has made him rather hungry and fangs spontaneously grow within his mouth. Indeed, Amonias becomes hesitant whether or not he should 'follo' this man at all. Where would he be leading him on such a rain filled afternoon?
They reach the exit. Amonias hoists his aged but capable form atop his mount whilst his guide climbs aboard his own sparkly steed and off they go to the prison, where the prisoners are surely kept. Where else would Vapirs keep their prisoners I dare ask!
They reach a house, adorned in Gilnean fashion like all of the houses in the City but instead of leading Amonias up the stairs, the man descends into a grey stone corridor. Alas, there is nobody there to greet them inside this narrow corridor, not a Vapir, nor a Blood Elf Worgen Amonias had noticed traversing alongside Kelethillathos. Nay, not a single prisoner was there to see in this place.

"their not here," this illusive man whispers with a voice like glacial ice, "I soemtimes use this place to keep prisoners. soemtimes i use it for other tings!"
Amonias does not push the subject, fearing the conversation could only become all the sillier if he did.
"bak we go" the Vapir hisses and stalks off at a brisk pace towards the City.

At last , through the small gap in his wooden mask, Amonias can once again see the light of day above his head. The name-forgotten Vapir turns to the elderly Blood Elf and taps him on the head sharply. Amonias can sense that the Vapir has told him without speaking that he has wiped his memories of all he has seen down in that dark chasm. Funny, Amonias thinks to himself as the Vapir mounts his sparkly horse, I don't feel as if I've forgotten anything.

Along the way, the Vapir points out the surroundings of the City to him. He explains that Kelethickthos has taken over Gilneas and now the Vapirs and the Blood Elf Worgen are now in control. In addition, the Vapir points out fifty 'doomgards' patrolling around.
These demons must be using some dark magic indeed for as Amonias looked out through the thin blanket of mist that shrouded Gilneas, he could not see any doomgards, or succubi, no not even a measly little Imp anywhere in sight. This Vapir surely must be very clever, for who else would hide his forces in plain sight such as he?

At last, the two arrive back at the Cathedral, his fanged companion apparently has forgotten about the hunt for the Forsaken, and wants to show Amonias something most dire...most devious....most 'amazin'!
They venture once more into the Cathedral, Amonias is one again in awe that his Vapir associate does not burst into flame as he enters the holy chapel, and weave past an insane Blood Elf at the doors claiming that she is in fact a demon.
At the altar stands a figure dressed in the deadly shade of bright pink, striking fear into even Amonias' black heart.
He is known as The Master of the Vapirs!
He smiles, showing his 'fagns' to all who stand within the Cathedral and steps down to greet the masked newcomer and his Vapir servant.
"welcome" he says in a voice that could shatter fine china, "weve been expecting u"

Was his voice high pitched? I'd imagine so dear reader. "Have you really, yes?" inquires Amonias, a smile dances on his hidden lips, "What may I ask have you been expecting me for? I am here to meet with a Forsaken associate about matters most dire."
"quiet" says the Vapir with a hiss. His Master continues.

"weve been watching u amonias" (this man must be good, so thought Amonias, he even knows my name without asking) "and we think your wat weve been looking for"
At this point, the insane Blood Elf walks over to The Master, a chalice of blood rests in her dainty demonic hands.

"u know too much about us" The Master of the Vapirs announced (drat, he must know my memory wipe did not work! thought Amonias) "and now u wil become lik us"
Ten demons appeared all around Amonias and attempted to drag him down to the Cathedral's floor! These demons are not what I remember them to be, thought Amonias wistfully, not only do I not see them but ten of them cannot even make an aged Blood Elf feel the weight of their grasp!

"U WIL DRINK THE BLOOD AMONIAS!" The Master roared, the other Vapirs snarling and jumping up and down, flinging ancient curses in ancient tongues such as '"lol" at the Blood Elf!

Not today! Amonias was determined. Years of training in the Fel Arts within the dark corners of Azeroth had prepared him for this day!
"Thank you for the offer young man, but I really must be going, yes. Time waits for no man, especially not for me.'

And with ten demons clinging to him, with The Master of the Vapirs himself screaming in his face, with hundreds if not SEVEN Vapirs yelling ancient curses at him, Amonias calmly turned and walked out of the Cathedral and into the mist.
Ready to unleash his dastardly plans upon Azeroth another day.

The End?

Honestly, I think this needs to go on the realm forums. It's utter brilliance

That...





Was...






BRILLIANT!

Me and my girlfriend both agree. Well played good sir

Thank you for the replies everyone. This one started out its life as a way to pass the time in Guildchat and was recommended to post it up here for all to enjoy.

As for uploading it to the Realm Forums, naming and shaming people, while some really do deserve it, isn't very polite and I wouldn't want someone else to pull the same stunt on me if the roles were reversed.

If I become inspired ever again, I'll be sure to post another such story here for the Spinelings to enjoy. I hope you had as much fun reading it as I had writing it!